


all or nothing

by jenhyung



Series: heartbreak hotel [4]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Everyone Has Issues, Getting Together, Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-08-19 08:14:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20206555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenhyung/pseuds/jenhyung
Summary: If you leave tonight. - Taeyong/Doyoung





	all or nothing

**Author's Note:**

> Taeyong is tired of not knowing.
> 
> **warnings**: arguments, relationship issues, please don't read too much into it

“I’m tired of this.”

Taeyong puts a stopper to his tears. The collar of his shirt is damp from just how much he’s cried for the past five minutes and he thinks he’s getting a little too light-headed from it. He exhales loudly, a short, morbid laugh, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means I’m tired of seeing you flirt with everyone. It means I’m tired of seeing you let just about anybody hug and touch you the way you tell me you want _me _to.” Doyoung shakes his head, “It means I’m tired of you trying to make me jealous by pissing me off.”

“How else am I supposed to get you to look at me!”

Taeyong doesn’t care that he’s admitting it, doesn’t care what Doyoung will think. Fine, he wants Doyoung to notice him and the only time Doyoung does is when he’s in the arms of someone else. So what if he has to sidle up to the drunkest guy in the bar, so what if he has to do it where he knows Doyoung’s looking, so what if he has to pretend like it’s not tearing him up inside when Doyoung looks away.

He’ll do whatever it takes if it meant having Doyoung’s attention.

Doyoung scowls when Taeyong says this, “You already _have _my attention!” He grabs his jacket from the couch, shoving it on, “You’ve always had my attention! I wish you’d just–stop thinking I’m looking at anyone else but you!”

“You’re lying,” Taeyong whispers. A tear escapes and he swipes it away, “You never bother with me until I do something to make you angry, you never bother with me until someone else has my attention.”

Doyoung winces, pained. Quietly, “We’ve been playing this stupid game for a year, I can’t do this anymore. You took it too far tonight, Taeyong, you can’t just–”

“I only did it to get your attention!” Taeyong licks his lips and he hates that there’s still the aftertaste of nicotine. It makes him nauseous, “I just wanted you to look at me, Doyoung–you’ve been ignoring me all night, you didn’t even bother to talk to me when I–”

“That’s because we agreed on space, Taeyong.” Doyoung stares, “We agreed we needed time to think about what’s going on between us–whether or not this is good for the both of us.”

“I’ve already decided,” Taeyoung drops his voice to a whisper, “You know I have.”

Doyoung’s turns his head away sharply, “Taeyong–”

“I want you,” he says again, whatever alcohol left in his system working its final push. “You know I want you–I don’t care if things don’t work out between us and we won’t ever speak again, I want this. I want this more than anything.”

And Taeyong can’t stop the tears this time. He cries, wishing Doyoung would just please realize that them being together–it’s not a recipe for disaster. Wishes that Doyoung will realize that they’ll work things out between them when things get rough, that they’ll keep loving each other even through the worst of horrible days, that deep inside, he wants them to be together too because if he didn’t–they wouldn’t be constantly fighting like this.

“I love you,” Taeyong says. It isn’t the first he’s said this–it can’t be, they’ve known each other far too long–but it’s the first he says it as a plea, “And I know you love me.”

Doyoung doesn’t deny it.

“Why won’t you admit it?” Taeyong laughs, soulless, “Do you want to be with me or not? Simple as that.”

Doyoung looks up, “You know it’s never black and white with us.”

“But it is.” Taeyong ignores the tears rolling down his cheeks, ignores the sharp inhale Doyoung takes when he sees them, “You can’t keep telling me you’re afraid of the future. You can’t do that do me forever, Doyoung.”

“I need time–”

“And I need you to give me an answer.”

Taeyong doesn’t want it this way, he doesn’t want to give Doyoung an ultimatum, and if they were in a perfect universe, he would wait forever for Doyoung. But they’re not and Taeyong doesn’t know if he’ll be able to take another day, fearing the answer. Distantly, Taeyong wishes he were stronger, wishes he could give Doyoung the time he needs, and he _did _give Doyoung time–a whole year of it–but now he just wants to know. He wants to know if they’re wasting time, precious time neither of them will get back; he doesn’t care if he has to lose time only for Doyoung to decide that he didn’t want this, he cares if they’re losing time they could’ve spent _together. _

Life is short enough and Taeyong wants to spend it with Doyoung as much as he can. He doesn’t want to be stuck in this limbo forever. They need to make a decision and they need to make it now.

“Taeyong–”

“Be with me,” Taeyong says. “Or tell me you don’t want me, Doyoung, because right now–I’m just waking up every morning, wishing you were with me, wishing you’d call to tell me you love me, to tell me you finally want us to be together.”

Doyoung starts to backpedal, and Taeyong sees the fear in his eyes.

“I can’t let go of you myself,” he whispers, taking every step Doyoung does. “You have to tell me you don’t want me. I can’t do it, Doyoung, I won’t be able to.”

In a flash, Doyoung zips his jacket up and moves to grab his backpack; Taeyong follows when he makes his way to the door, “I can’t do this anymore.”

_Oh._

Taeyong stops, says through tears, “Neither can I.” His heart stutters when Doyoung’s hand hovers on the door knob, and he’s crying again. He wracks his brains for the words to say, “I can’t–I can’t go around kissing other people, pretending that I don’t care–pretending they’re you. I can’t do it anymore either.”

Instead, Doyoung turns the knob and opens the door. “Fine,” he says. Taeyong cries harder, wishes harder, “Do whatever you want.”

“Doyoung–”

“Kiss whoever you want.”

Taeyong chokes on a sob, “Wait, please, Doyoung–”

“Sorry,” Doyoung steps out into the hallway. When he turns, Taeyong swears he sees tears on Doyoung’s cheek too, “But I can’t. I can’t lose you.”

“What makes you think you’ll lose me–”

“If we break up, Taeyong, I’ll lose you and I don’t want that, I can’t have that. I can’t lose you.”

“And what if we don’t break up? What about then?”

“Taeyong–”

“You’ll lose me now,” he argues. He’s struggling for breath and his vision blurs, “If you keep doing this to me, you’ll lose me anyway.”

“Then it’d only make me want to say no,” Doyoung whispers. “If I say no to us, you’ll hate me for now, but we’ll be friends again, but if I say yes–”

“We can’t go back to being just friends anymore.” Taeyong fingers dig tight into the flesh of his palm, but it hurts less than the grip on his heart, “I don’t think–I don’t think I can just be your friend, Doyoung. Not in this life.”

Doyoung stills, “So you’re not giving me a choice.”

“I am.” Taeyong wipes his tears on his sleeves, “I_ am_.”

Taeyong, in that moment, knows that this is it. That there won’t be any late-night calls that will fix this fight, there won’t be any lunches tomorrow spent talking about mundane things because they’re too busy sweeping their fight under the rug, there won’t be anything anymore. This is it and Taeyong knows that it is the end.

He looks up, and Doyoung is gone.

Tripping over his shoes, Taeyong rushes to the door, the sight of Doyoung’s back making him want to drop to his knees. His final, desperate, attempt, “If you leave this building tonight, we’re over.”

That makes Doyoung stop immediately.

“I’m not doing this for another week, another month, another year.” Taeyong still has the mind to keep his door unlocked when he ventures further out into the hallway, approaching Doyoung. His shoulders are dropped in defeat, “If you leave tonight, we’re done. We’re nothing and I don’t want to have anything to do with you anymore, because I can’t live without you. Having–having you beside me as merely a friend–it’ll break me, Doyoung.” Taeyong speaks as if it’s the last they’ll ever be together, “Maybe one day, we’ll be friends again, but we’ll never be the same. When you get you next lover, when you get married, I’ll never truly be happy for you because I’m selfish. I am, I’ll admit it, okay? And when you move on, I–”

Doyoung spins and Taeyong stops talking because Doyoung is kissing him now. Their first kiss, fervent and, at long last: relief. The tastes the hint of gin and tonic on Doyoung’s tongue, sharp and clear. He fumbles to kiss back, solace sinking into his bones, curling his hands into the front of Doyoung’s shirt and hauling him closer.

“Please,” Doyoung mumbles, pushing them up against the wall. Taeyong lets himself go, ignorant of the fact that someone could catch them–hell, he _wants _someone to catch them. They’re _together_. Doyoung cups his cheek, continues to kiss him, “_Please_.”

“Anything,” Taeyong nods, hungry for Doyoung. “I’ll give you anything.”

“Promise me you won’t find someone else,” Doyoung whispers, lips moving against Taeyong’s. He bites on Taeyong’s lower lip and licks over it quickly when Taeyong whimpers. His other hand is clamped on Taeyong’s hip, and Taeyong relishes in it, “As long as there’s still us, as long as we’re okay, please don’t move on from me–I want you, okay? I want you.”

“I promise,” Taeyong sighs. He kisses Doyoung once more before the boy is slumping against him, hiding his face into the crook of Taeyong’s neck. It’s a bit of an awkward bend for Doyoung, but he doesn’t seem intent on moving, letting his drying tears stain Taeyong’s shirt, “We’re okay and we’ll be okay, alright? It’s a–a fresh start starting tonight.”

Doyoung hugs a little tighter, “Okay.” Like an afterthought he adds, “Thank you.”

Taeyong kisses the shell of Doyoung’s ear when he moves to hook his chin over Doyoung’s shoulder, wraps his arms around him. Softly, “I didn’t mean to force your hand, Doyoung, I just–wanted you to give me an answer and I had to know. I would’ve accepted it–if you said you didn’t want to be with me.”

“I want you,” Doyoung murmurs. “But I didn’t want the fear. I didn’t want the possibility of losing you, not after I’ve had you.”

“I don’t want to lose you either, Doyoung.”

“Oh,” he hums.

“Stay tonight,” Taeyong tells him.

“Okay,” he says, relieved.

They should talk, they have to talk, about what things are now. They’ll take things slow; it doesn’t matter that they’ve been beating around the same bush for a year, Taeyong wants to do everything right. He wants to make everything right again. He wants Doyoung and he will want Doyoung for a long time to come, for the rest of their time together.

Though.

It’s eleven years later that Taeyong thinks of this day again. He’s thought of it less and less, the longer they’ve stayed together. But he thinks about it today, eleven years later.

He thinks of it when he’s sitting comfortably on the couch, and Doyoung shuffles over with a good book in his hands. Doyoung swats his hands away fussily, making space on Taeyong’s lap for him to rest his head on, turning the book open to where he’d left off the week before. Taeyong finds that he doesn’t mind, hand carding through Doyoung’s hair automatically, focused mostly on the National Geographic documentary playing on their television. He looks down when he senses that Doyoung’s fallen asleep, snoring softly through his mouth, and Taeyong can’t help it when his lips curve up into a smile.

He watches the silver ring on his finger smooth over Doyoung’s hair as he continues to play with it, humming to himself quietly. He thinks he would do it all over again if he had to; force them both to put an end to the miserable game they insisted on playing, saving them precious time that would’ve been wasted. He’s greedy and he’ll always be greedy; for time with Doyoung, for touches from Doyoung, just simply–Doyoung. He wants all of Doyoung, will always want all of him, now and forever.

And he’d do it all over again, in a heartbeat if he has to.

**Author's Note:**

> brb returning to my home (a landfill)
> 
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/jenhyungs)


End file.
